I wrote two blog-posts last week, set up my own website and thought I would go public with them. I didn’t. The writing came very easily, I enjoyed it. But then the well-known, ever-present critic in my head hit me. My mood towards my writing was like the sacred weather — flipping from pure sunshine to doomsday mood. From “I can be proud of this, that’s a nice writing-style, it’s honest, shows my journey truly” to:
- this is completely embarrassing
- nobody will be interested in this
- my English is a disaster
- it’s not funny, stop over-sharing, it implies you desperately need attention (which I judge as bad)
- I haven’t learned anything so far, my childish thoughts are a shame for your age
- and so on
In the end I felt completely useless.
I’ve dragged myself down to a point where I’d truly believe that I’m not good at anything really. Yes, I was at the point of „Never have I achieved anything, and I will never, I’m hindering myself constantly with my judging — now see I’m not even able to not judge my judging!“. I felt like a complete failure.
I told my Vedanta-(more about that in a future post!) teacher and mentor Sharada that I like writing and actually have an urge to share – and believe this was actually the jewel, the exact purpose of the journey I’ve began with Be Woman Project: That I share what is here, whatever the reactions might be. But it makes me feel so uncomfortable that I feel like I’m not ready for this.
It’s about the process. Convert the pain into something beautiful. And be patient.
Thereby do not forget what the teaching says: That the goal is to gain Self-Knowledge. We want to get known ourselves as the source of love, happiness and security. We do not want to attach ourselves to external circumstances as reasons for our pain or happiness anymore.
Sharada answered me with many wise words, like: It’s ok if you’re not ready. The Vedanta teachings is all about eventually accepting yourself. Even your borders. Even your judging. The blog was a suggestion, a tool to explore yourself. It may help you to process your pain…. A tool to share it and convert it into something beautiful. You can also draw, take pictures, do a video, sing or dance… You use your body, mind and senses. Your creativity.
There will be many who won‘t like it. But many also who do not dare to follow their hearts, are afraid to express themselves… They will seek inspiration — not only from those who have healed their wounds already, but also from those who have started to process to do so.
It’s about the process. The process in order to come to yourself. To come home. This needs time. Be patient when learning something new. Treat yourself like a mother, who encourages her baby to get back up again and again after a fall.
Talk about it, a lot.
I then remembered one thing I learned on a Training with Be Woman Project two weeks ago (especially through the sharing in Women’s circles):
The pain doesn’t go just because we ignore it. We should give it space, talk about it, a lot. Untilit feels so normal as if we would talk about a piece of chocolate. Then it’s not fearful anymore, then it can notcause us pain anymore.
And I remembered what I heard in a Netflix-documentary recently 😀 :
„You have to talk about the shit you don’t wanna talk about. …We‘re only as sick as the secrets that we keep.“
So here I publish just what comes from my heart. It’s scary. Until it’s not anymore.
I’ll try to fall in love with the process.
With many thanks to Katie for editing. She writes her own blog .