How I realized I’m worthy not to run after him

We spent 24 hours together and I fell in love. Yes, believe it or not and I find it ridiculous, too. But it happened. And when I realized that he is not interested in me, I felt pain the way I haven’t had for years! The pain was real and I cannot negate that fact, unfortunately.

First lesson: I better cry when I’m sad

My ego was hurt. And I was so sad, too. Once that I’m finally again attracted to someone that much again, he is not interested in me. History seemed to repeat itself! The thought that I might forever be alone (what else if I reject those who want me and those I want do not care about me?) wore me down. Deep down. The future looked: dark.

I knew the pain would pass, as all pain has passed until now and I’ve managed to feel happy again. And it was only 24 hours! How could this episode actually demoralize me that much?? I knew that I need to look inside me for love and security and happiness. But I couldn’t change it. And I despised myself for being so attached.

I’ve had this before, a few years back. Like now, I didn’t allow myself to be frustrated or sad. And I talked about it with hardly anybody then. I decided that I will handle it differently this time: first, I cried. I cried for that he didn’t want me. And I cried for that I didn’t want myself. I cried for the fact that I hurt myself so much with my thoughts. I cried for that I needed to go through all these tough times and learn a lesson.

Second lesson: I ask for help when I’m at a loss

In theory, I knew I was projecting so much into this man (that he would fill this emptiness inside me with love). I knew that his actions would anyways fail many times, as everybody’s actions do (in the words of my Vedanta-teacher Sharada: relationships hurt! Expecting something else is as if you’d reproach a fire furiously, “but you burnt me!”) Still, I didn’t know how to actually forget the pain and how to really understand that I’m ok (deep down it nagged on me that I was not ok! Somehow, I’m not enough for him!).

So second, I asked for help: I told my dear friends. And surprisingly for me, there was no judgment. They understood. I felt connection. Love. And I asked another, more mature person whom I trust a lot. She made me appreciate these 24 hours of pure flow. She told me, it’s like this when self-esteem is shaky: you project all the happiness into one person. It’s normal.

“And now do what is good for you. Do something for yourself. Feel yourself.” I did and relaxed, slowly. Yoga has helped, too. My precious teacher comforted me, “Try and fail. Try and fail better. Trust the process.”

Third lesson: letting go when facing shame and projection

Two months after the encounter, last weekend, I visited the bar where he’d work on weekdays. Surprise: He was working. I got shaky. My friends and I took a turn around the block to calm me down. I was ashamed of my feelings. Of having been so needy. If he’d know how much energy I’ve devoted to him… But also I knew I shouldn’t be embarrassed for who I am. I knew everything is in complete order with me. There are reasons for why I’ve been triggered by him, for falling in love so quickly and becoming needy.

I wanted to face this shame and entered the bar. We chatted and the tension passed. I realized how much projection I’ve put on him. He is not god. Or yes, he is – we all are. Whatever the reasons though he was not ready for going deeper with me, I cannot control them and I’m not responsible for them.

I feel it coming: The focus is on myself instead of others

I felt just worthy. A premiere for me in such a constellation. I still appreciated him. And didn’t downgrade myself neither. Instead, I thought, “If you’re not interested in me – leave it. I don’t really mind (just a little bit). Why should I aim at pleasing you? I’ve been discovering my own values more and more lately and I’m proud of that. I’ve experienced moments of sunshine and full, unconditional love. I’m on that path and it’s my ultimate goal to feel this softness more and more.

I feel it coming and it’s nothing about you. It’s about me. Thank you for having spent these 24 hours with me, where my heart was open, where I enjoyed my body and felt free, felt oneness. Thank you for sharing this feeling with me that I’ve never perceived before with the consciousness I had then.

Thank you for provoking pain in me. It made me grow.

The vulnerability has left me wide open. Open for new perspectives.”

With gratitude to everybody and everything. (And Ariane for editing!)

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