Before I wrote this, I listened to a podcast episode titled „Live Your Truth“ by author Laura Malina Seiler. She shared how she may look happy on photos when being on stage holding her speeches, but that this was not the whole truth. She’s not all that glamorous all day. And she wants us to remind that in order to live our truth, we need to go there: to the truth. Not to read another book on personal development or to go on another meditation training (or yes, not though if the underlying reason is to flee from something). But to start putting into practice what we’ve learnt, and this means showing ourselves.
This is exactly what I needed to hear. Because I know it’s the truth. Nevertheless, I often argue with myself about it: on one side, what I really want to avoid very much with this blog is to be superficial. To not share my truth. (I’ve come to learn that telling the truth is so, so liberating. Per example, I experienced that only when I acknowledged my fear, gave it space, I no longer fear my fear – and so it is with all other emotions! See more about this below).
But I constantly need to remind myself of the value of showing the truth. Since the fear of judgment from others, of exclusion, of not being understood is – mildly put – big. That podcast was a welcome reminder to stick to my value of dropping my mask. Of practicing radical self-acceptance (thank you Yvonne, love it).
So let’s go deep.
Dealing with my emotions: two ways.
In this blog, I show many emotions as well as thoughts and a judgment I fear is that people say, “how immature is she?!” I fear it because I often also believe that I should be more mature than I am! For example, when I think of the fact that I only recently found out how to properly deal with my emotions. I could stop writing now and pretend I’m very mature. However, I do the contrary. Why? Because I’m sick of the tension that not talking about my emotions creates in my body. 30 years of experience have shown me: It makes people sick. Sick mentally, sick physically.
Let’s continue with the example of me thinking I’m immature. I just recently was triggered because I didn’t get the attention I needed. I didn’t feel heard. I realized that and felt immature about needing “extra” attention, again. I became frustrated, scared about whether people can actually ever love me with this feature of mine and felt holistically (😉) unworthy. I pulled myself out though and applied my new tools. I find two ways have helped me very effectively recently:
- I talk to somebody. Sometimes I don’t feel ready for it though: Not ready to say it in a non-blaming way, or I don’t trust myself to be able to cope with the reaction. Or sometimes a person I trust is not available at that very moment. In those cases
- I sit in front of the altar.
I pray to the gods and goddesses. I spoil them. And if I’m lucky, I cry… Lucky because this is usually the point where I really let go of my limiting thoughts. It´s where torturing turns into empathy: I see the little girl inside me, who just wants to be understood. I let her tell me how she truly feels. I want to hear everything. She needs extra-attention, but that’s the way it is and there’s a strong background for it. It is in complete order. I remind myself that she’s a part of me, but not all who I am. And that I do not need to leave my need unfulfilled: I can give myself the extra portion of attention I need. Because I’ve had 30 years of learning. I’m strong enough, I’m wise enough – capable of holding her.
Pulling off the labels.
I could continue now with many more examples – all the feelings, thoughts about myself which I reject. Which I’ve never processed, and which therefore have left deep imprints. They’ve turned into labels. Labels that stick, I identify myself with them. Like ink that sank into deeper and deeper layers of my skin. That I came to believe has sank all the way down to my heart, darkens my very essence.
By processing my emotions the way I described above, I’ve managed to slowly pull off some of my labels. Still, it’s hard work and it will never end. I do more things that make me happy though. I do the things despite my fear of rejection, of not being loved, of standing out, of showing my oddness. I started to teach yoga, I gave up some amount of relative security, I go to Danza Africana-classes (though I repeatedly make a fool of myself) and so on.
When I acknowledge my own emotions that way, another beautiful thing happens: I become humble. I gain empathy. As soon as I forgive myself, I forgive others. I lose arrogance, my judgmental attitude. Because I recognize that we are all so equal. It’s a way to come to my heart. To have a sense of belonging. To feel oneness. As my Bali-Yoga-Teacher would recite:
I honour the place in you, in which the entire universe dwells.
I honour the place in you, which is of love, of light, and of peace.
When you are in that place in you,
And I am in that place in me,
We are one.
I pray for that I’ll realize more and more that this is what is most important in life. It’s not that I have it crystal clear already – I’m more often not there than there. But when I’m there, I know it’s the truth. May it become my – and all those who wish to – nature to think that way.
Talking about it: My deepest gratitude to everybody out there who practices speaking his or her truth (when kind and necessary). Whether in the most intimate settings or in public. You inspire me and I need it so much – for my dark, sticky imprints. Namaste.
And thank you Ariane for editing!! ❤