How I deal with emotions (most recently) – in particular with insecurity, frustration and anger

Before I wrote this, I listened to a podcast episode titled „Live Your Truth“ by author Laura Malina Seiler. She shared how she may look happy on photos when being on stage holding her speeches, but that this was not the whole truth. She’s not all that glamorous all day. And she wants us to remind that in order to live our truth, we need to go there: to the truth. Not to read another book on personal development or to go on another meditation training (or yes, not though if the underlying reason is to flee from something). But to start putting into practice what we’ve learnt, and this means showing ourselves.

This is exactly what I needed to hear. Because I know it’s the truth. Nevertheless, I often argue with myself about it: on one side, what I really want to avoid very much with this blog is to be superficial. To not share my truth. (I’ve come to learn that telling the truth is so, so liberating. Per example, I experienced that only when I acknowledged my fear, gave it space, I no longer fear my fear – and so it is with all other emotions! See more about this below).

But I constantly need to remind myself of the value of showing the truth. Since the fear of judgment from others, of exclusion, of not being understood is – mildly put – big. That podcast was a welcome reminder to stick to my value of dropping my mask. Of practicing radical self-acceptance (thank you Yvonne, love it).

So let’s go deep.

Dealing with my emotions: two ways.

In this blog, I show many emotions as well as thoughts and a judgment I fear is that people say, “how immature is she?!” I fear it because I often also believe that I should be more mature than I am! For example, when I think of the fact that I only recently found out how to properly deal with my emotions. I could stop writing now and pretend I’m very mature. However, I do the contrary. Why? Because I’m sick of the tension that not talking about my emotions creates in my body. 30 years of experience have shown me: It makes people sick. Sick mentally, sick physically.

Let’s continue with the example of me thinking I’m immature. I just recently was triggered because I didn’t get the attention I needed. I didn’t feel heard. I realized that and felt immature about needing “extra” attention, again. I became frustrated, scared about whether people can actually ever love me with this feature of mine and felt holistically (😉) unworthy. I pulled myself out though and applied my new tools. I find two ways have helped me very effectively recently:

  1. I talk to somebody. Sometimes I don’t feel ready for it though: Not ready to say it in a non-blaming way, or I don’t trust myself to be able to cope with the reaction. Or sometimes a person I trust is not available at that very moment. In those cases
  2. I sit in front of the altar.

I pray to the gods and goddesses. I spoil them. And if I’m lucky, I cry… Lucky because this is usually the point where I really let go of my limiting thoughts. It´s where torturing turns into empathy: I see the little girl inside me, who just wants to be understood. I let her tell me how she truly feels. I want to hear everything. She needs extra-attention, but that’s the way it is and there’s a strong background for it. It is in complete order. I remind myself that she’s a part of me, but not all who I am. And that I do not need to leave my need unfulfilled: I can give myself the extra portion of attention I need. Because I’ve had 30 years of learning. I’m strong enough, I’m wise enough – capable of holding her.

Pulling off the labels.

I could continue now with many more examples – all the feelings, thoughts about myself which I reject. Which I’ve never processed, and which therefore have left deep imprints. They’ve turned into labels. Labels that stick, I identify myself with them. Like ink that sank into deeper and deeper layers of my skin. That I came to believe has sank all the way down to my heart, darkens my very essence.

By processing my emotions the way I described above, I’ve managed to slowly pull off some of my labels. Still, it’s hard work and it will never end. I do more things that make me happy though. I do the things despite my fear of rejection, of not being loved, of standing out, of showing my oddness. I started to teach yoga, I gave up some amount of relative security, I go to Danza Africana-classes (though I repeatedly make a fool of myself) and so on.

Creating oneness.

When I acknowledge my own emotions that way, another beautiful thing happens: I become humble. I gain empathy. As soon as I forgive myself, I forgive others. I lose arrogance, my judgmental attitude. Because I recognize that we are all so equal. It’s a way to come to my heart. To have a sense of belonging. To feel oneness. As my Bali-Yoga-Teacher would recite:

I honour the place in you, in which the entire universe dwells.
I honour the place in you, which is of love, of light, and of peace.

When you are in that place in you,
And I am in that place in me,

We are one.

I pray for that I’ll realize more and more that this is what is most important in life. It’s not that I have it crystal clear already – I’m more often not there than there. But when I’m there, I know it’s the truth. May it become my – and all those who wish to – nature to think that way.

Talking about it: My deepest gratitude to everybody out there who practices speaking his or her truth (when kind and necessary). Whether in the most intimate settings or in public. You inspire me and I need it so much – for my dark, sticky imprints. Namaste.

And thank you Ariane for editing!! ❤

Discovering the value of being a woman: My first steps

I’m not sure whether this is about being a woman, or rather about being who I am – with being a woman as a part of me. The discussion about femininity and masculinity can confuse me. But there are certainly aspects only women have, things we have (more often) in common… 😀 So I guess this title is fine. Anyways, Vedanta (the philosophical base of the Be Woman Project) has a vision of oneness. It doesn’t separate the feminine and the masculine in the essence. They’re mere principles. Forms, names, functions.

Part of my apprenticeship with the Project consists in three trainings. The first one was in Sweden (as my blog was born later, I haven’t written about it yet), the second one took place in Catalunya (yes it’s a political note on the side 😉 ), the third will be held in Bali (this for the sake of simplicity – some of us may not be so aware of that Bali belongs to Indonesia).

Be Laksmi, Be Lalita

Each training is dedicated to a Hindu-goddess. I love the approach my Vedanta-teacher Sharada takes to goddesses: They take certain forms and we project certain qualities unto them. By honouring the goddesses, we invoke their qualities also in and as us – as in the vision of Vedanta, we are goddess in and through (or call it sacredness, the universe, pure existence, or love – you name it).

The training in Spain was dedicated to goddess Laksmi, she who is abundance and all wealth. She neutralizes the sense of unworthiness. And also, to goddess Lalita, she who represents sacred beauty and sexuality. So what did we actually do? Yes: maybe what you imagine right now. If your fantasy goes wild: maybe not that wild. Let’s say we indulged with the feeling of treating ourselves the way we deserve it: As pure Laksmis and Lalitas 😊 Here is what I have resonated the most with:

Pleasure = intimacy with life

One of our teachers, Kay, said it so beautifully: Pleasure is the same as intimacy with life, the felt experience in life. We did amazing self-care practices during the training (breast, womb, yoni – partly with the yoni-egg. I recommend looking up what it refers to if you don’t know yet). With the following approach (this is only bits and pieces of what we‘ve learnt!):

  • Get into a relaxed state first. Maybe by massaging first the sternum (because behind this sits the vagus-nerve, responsible for relaxation), maybe more massaging of the breasts feels soothing… And it’s not about the amount of pressure you add, because:
  • Relaxation comes when feeling safe. A woman can only completely engage when she feels completely safe! Emotions, the nervous system, and pleasure are so intertwined… (Our energy is extensive, made to grow! There’s hardly any way to come into pleasure when being tense, when feeling stressed.)
  • Ask your body what she wants (this is so powerful) and ask for permission along the way (however far you go)
  • Add breathing, consciously (increases the blood flow and we need that in order to be able to feel)
  • Allow any memories, fantasies, sounds to come (wow!)

And what I wasn’t so much aware of before: (Self-) Pleasuring releases dopamine, opioids and oxytocin –hormones to feel more self-worth, to take better decisions and much more. So when women empower themselves pleasure-wise, they become empowered on a general level.

Sharing my sexual history

Every evening we sat down and wrote on our sexual history – from discovering ourselves in childhood, getting breasts, menstruation to the first intimate relationships and onwards! In the end each of us participants was given an hour to share her history with the others. It opened my eyes very much. Here’s a tiny FAQ (F for fictional) on what it felt like:

  • Is it scary? It can be scary. In the writing, I had some good laughs though – apart of a few moments of sadness and anger. Step by step, it became so obvious that it’s… a story! A beautiful story though. One that needs to be validated. It’s my story and the emotions connected are real. Sharing was a bit scary – until I did it. I found beauty in showing who I am. The (my) naked truth. Nothing to be ashamed of.
  • Any valuable insights to gain from it? Many. In my case, one of it was that I have the same patterns in relations to men since I’ve been 9 years old. Yep. But also: I can love myself with all these patterns anyways. There is such a background for it…
  • What to do with this now? I can now observe myself better probably and may more consciously decide whether I want to continue to play the same chords or not. Following old patterns feels good somehow too, doesn’t it. Apart from using the will, going another path requires a lot of energy and patience. I will need to treat myself nicely along this, much nicer than I did until now. And also hopefully do the least harm possible to others, too.

Rituals to get to know ourselves, shed light on what is

During 10 days we were focusing on the fact that we are worthy all the way through: We‘re worthy of all the luxuries we desire (manifested as money, relationships, health, children, food etc.)!

We learnt something very important along the way though: That happiness and security from these objects are limited in time and space. If we do not understand this, the luxury can become an obstacle.

So we take the pressure out of our desires! We want to see that we don’t need the luxury in order to feel happy. Because we are whole and complete anyways. We‘re precious, we’re goddess, we’re sacred – just the way we are. We took further steps in order to come closer to this knowledge:

  • Pujas: We sit in front of our altars and pray. We invoke different gods and goddesses. Ganesha (he who removes obstacles), Laksmi, Lalita and many more… We imagine that we are the god/goddess, invoke these qualities in us. We practice gratitude for all we’ve been given – by offering flowers, chocolate, incense. All we give to the altar, will come back to us.
    We did a Puja also to a each other once (makes my heart grow!): So you have this woman, this sister in front of you and you recognize how beautiful and powerful, how sacred she is. And you wish her all the best. All she wishes for because she is worthy of it. I want to treat her well so badly. And with this, I learnt that I can treat myself well, too.
  • Sharing aka Women’s Circles! I’ve become fond of them. (More details in a post on Sweden, soon). The idea is to drop any agenda – any shoulds, coulds, woulds. For oneself, for others. Everything – really everything – is welcome in this safe setting: Fear, anger, tears, silence, rejections, strong desires… By doing the sharing several times, one may realize: What I do here, is that I show up for myself, I take myself seriously. I acknowledge all that is here.
  • Womb Yoga (It’s a science in its own right and I got known to it a bit already in Sweden. I need more space and knowledge to write about it properly. But often, the practices are non-linear, with ondulations and circulations. The focus is on listening to what she needs and adapt the practice. Definitely it‘s given me a whole new perspective on yoga.)
  • Photo sessions: Devoted photographer Terese took pictures of each woman individually. Many people feel ashamed in front of the lense: They have made judgments upon themselves, on how their body or their facial expressions should look like, how their feelings should (not) be. The idea of the photo sessions was to indulge into what is here – neutralize the judgments. And play.

It’s true for me: Once you go that path, you can’t help but continue to walk on it. It’s just too attractive. You have become too attractive. You don’t want to abandon yourself anymore.

For more info on how a Laksmi-/Lalita-training with Be Woman Project can look, read also Katie’s blogpost about last year’s version.

How Meeting a Guru Showed Me My Boundaries and Opened My Eyes. Seriously

Orange clothes, bald-headed, deep voice, talking slowly. I met a man a few days ago who looks exactly the way probably most of us would depict a guru. It says that gurus as such do not exist: They become gurus only if people make them into gurus. 

Meeting him, I experienced how quickly this can happen. And that one can get on a trip with certain spiritual practices! I learnt through this what would be healthy for me to do more: to acknowledge my boundaries. But step by step:

I made him into a guru without wanting

My well appreciated teacher of my 4-year-yoga-teacher training has invited a Swami, who has inspired her a lot in her path. He would hold an open-eye energy-transmission-session with us. She said she knows that this is actually too early for students in their first year, as we haven’t been talking about energies yet. But she doesn’t want to deprive us from this unique opportunity. 

She would introduce students to energies usually in several days. But now she had to break it down to an hour. As far as I understood, energy is said to be a means to experience inner freedom. One of many, just as yoga-poses, breath-work or meditation are. Westerners, with their emphasis on individuality – experiencing themselves usually as separate from everything else in the world – would often not be ready to access the energy-pathway. 

Nobody would need to be scared though, my teacher said: the Swami would note whether one was open to receive energy or not. He would not force it. I was sceptic: I haven’t built trust in the Swami in the two talks we had beforehand. I didn’t feel pure love or see the light brighter in his presence (as some colleagues did).

I didn’t want to miss the experience though. Yes, I wanted to know whether I was ready for receiving energy, in case such a thing exists. And with this, I have just unconsciously – without wanting – started to project superpowers into him, the guru.  

Building up pressure. A lot

We were told that while we would meditate, the Swami would look into each one’s eyes, and maybe transmit energy to each student. The tension in the room was tangible. I guess everybody has had built up expectations by now. Expectations towards the guru, but at least in my case, very much towards myself, too.

Though we were suggested not to compare ourselves with our neighbours (will he look at them longer than at me?) or analyse too much, this is exactly what I did: „I’m so tense and in my mind all the time. I’m surely uniquely not predisposed to receive energy. And in fact, I’m not open but really closed to this. I´m exactly one of these westerners, completely disconnected of her surroundings.”

My thoughts became more and more self-destructive – a vicious cycle – and where I would usually pull myself out of the situation in order to gain objectivity, I felt trapped in that room where I didn’t even dare to close my eyes. I criticized myself even for my anxiety – as I knew this was the contrary of letting go. And came to believe that I was at such a low level of my personal development. Just below zero… I felt so nuts. And felt like this was my own deepest truth, now unfolding.

People easily get on a trip with energy-transmissions

By the time the Swami looked at me, I was silently crying for my incapacity to distance myself from that well-known voice leading this constant war against me. I could hardly bear his glance, forced my eyes to stay open though. I blinked. The painting behind the Swami, he himself, and eventually the whole room, started to flutter from left to right and back. Like a flag in the wind! 

A neuroscientist might interpret it as a symptom of my nervousness. But what do I know about that? I got so confused of what was going on. When the session ended, I burst into tears. I went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and thought “Yes, I really have some work to do. My future will take place in an ashram, I will spend a few months or even years in there in order to heal.“ 

Outside, the Swami passed by me and I asked: “Could you explain  me what has just happened please?” He said: “Your life has just completely changed.” This single sentence increased my feeling of needing to be fixed even more and neither the solace nor the conversations with my colleagues calmed me down. 

Apart from the strangely fluttering room and my anxiety, I felt exceptionally unaligned due to another thought: I’ve quit my job for values emphasized by Vedanta- or Yoga-philosophy respectively and started to introduce Vedanta-rituals into my daily life. And Vedanta emphasises knowledge, not energy. So was I on the wrong path? Yes, I consider I experienced a little existential crisis. 

I called my Vedanta-teacher Sharada. She consoled me, telling that still everything was just in complete order with me. That I was not the only one looking for clarity. And that Vedanta doesn’t work with energy-transmissions. Because: People can get on a trip with it. Many were looking for these special experiences, because they feel so numb in general. In the vision of Vedanta, all experiences are welcomed. But they’re not searched for. No specific experience leads people quicker to the knowledge that they’re whole and complete. No experience is more valuable than the other – they’re all equal.

I learnt about my boundaries and what it means to protect myself. How liberating it is to speak my truth. I came out of the blame-game

The next morning, I was still a bit shaky. I feared what others would think of me. Instead of putting on a mask, I decided though to not pretend anything that I’m not this time: I said that I feel angry but try to be objective and that I was scared like sh** during the meditation. That I felt trapped in that room. That I cried out of fear, the pressure I put on myself in order to get this special experience, this quick fix. And not because I was touched… Non-pretence, not hiding my feelings, softened me down so much. And I realized: 

  • It’s so liberating to speak from the heart and to not pretend. Stepping up for myself… My colleagues opened up then too, which showed that I was not the only one who has felt her boundaries. And my teacher was able to be there for those of us who soak up things like sponges and whose permeability makes them feel quite unstable at times.
  • I’m the only one who really knows what is going on inside me. So this is what accepting and protecting myself would mean: respecting my boundaries when things are getting too strange for me – independent from my expectations towards myself.
  • There’s no need be angry with my teacher. It’s hard to hold a class of 25 students. I appreciate her courage for taking the risk to introduce the Swami to us. I don’t need to judge the Swami neither. Energy is the path he has chosen, and nobody forces me to take it on. I just take the (my) jewels.

So the open-eye session has literally opened my eyes… And thank god, all this thanks to a guru. 😉

Why I quit my (somehow) great job and started to pray

I did a 1-month yoga teacher training in Bali this spring and then quit my job. Not immediately of course. I waited two weeks 😉

It was a safe, at times, exciting job in the lobbying department in the arguably most powerful Swiss business association that paid well and gave me an excellent work-life-balance. Some congratulated me for my decision to leave (“you follow your heart”), some were worried (“don’t you think this can all go wrong?”). Here are the major factors (I think) that have led me to my decision:

1. I got a glimpse of what it means to really accept myself – even my fear.

In the teacher training, we were taught philosophy in the afternoons. Which is where I fell in love: with the teacher, Sharada – she seemed vulnerable and yet so strong – and the teachings. The Vedanta-philosophy, in which yoga practices have their roots, touched me deeply. I felt like I’ve found the truth I’ve been looking for, for so long. A perfect match.

My teacher first told us that yoga is a means to come to the heart, to come home to ourselves. What is it that all humans ultimately want? We want to be happy. And the source of not being happy, of suffering, is that we do not accept ourselves. So we accept what is. We drop our agendas. We welcome everything that is. Even our fear of being rejected, of not being loved (which is the essence of nearly all our harmful thinking and behaviour). Instead, we say, “Oh fear, I welcome you. You’re my best friend. Take my hand and let’s go together.”

This little children’s-song-like mantra (along with praying to elephant-headed god Ganesha, but to explain this would take too long right now) has carried me throughout the teacher-training more effectively than anything I’ve tried before to make my anxiety more bearable. Anxiety that would usually creep in when I stand in front of many people (sometimes even only a hand full) and open my mouth. Anxiety that has darkened my life a lot and ever since, accompanied by very destructive thinking (“I’ve messed it up in so many aspects, nobody can take me seriously or find me loveable anymore…”).

2. I learnt that thoughts, feelings, emotions come and go. They’re not me.

Second, we learnt that thoughts, feelings, the surrounding come and go. And the I, it stays. It’s unaffected by the surrounding in effect! When we understand that, we no longer identify ourselves with our emotions and thoughts. And we can free ourselves from our so-called binding desires (as opposed to non-binding ones or preferences respectively): whether we don’t get something we want or we get something we don’t want – in the end, this does not need to be the reason for feeling happy or unhappy. The source of happiness, love and security is within ourselves.

We learnt that according to the vision of Vedanta, we are a part of this universe and we in essence are perfect the way we are. We’re whole and complete. And there’s an order in everything. Even in our feelings, thoughts and behaviour that we may not like. This is the knowledge we want to acquire through yoga and the teachings. We want to bring in knowledge where there’s ignorance. Bring light into the darkness – more and more often.

This vision has relaxed me so much: first, there was an order in the things I don’t like about me and hence I don’t need to be so hard on me. Second, there’s a way out from identifying myself with my emotions and thoughts. I’d “just” need to raise awareness to this philosophy on a regular basis.

3. I realized that it’s not good for me if I live against my values

Third, we learnt that values are of utmost importance to feel at ease. This has never before made so much sense to me than when my teacher told us about it. Usually, I would be confused about values. Can’t there be good reasons for why it’s ok to betray a partner (maybe he orshe is more satisfied with a lover on the side, so it doesn’t harm anybody, right?)? Or isn’t telling a white lie better if the truth would only hurt? We learnt though that not telling the truth as well as judging, betraying, stealing and so on – does actually ultimately hurt ourselves. And that as soon as we’ve understood the value of values, we do not compromise on them any longer.

I knew before that in my job I’d over time gone more and more against my values due to a few but decisive aspects in our company culture and whenever lobbying for values which were not mine. I only after Bali though concluded that money and comfort is not a valid exchange for feeling sometimes rather empty inside and becoming cynical (neither for the fact that I could fight for my values at times, which I’ve always appreciated). I realized that in order to grow I now need to go exactly in the reverse direction – at least for a while.

4. I can live with less

I read Fumio Sasaki’s “Goodbye things. On minimalist living” before Bali and it has made me see more clearly than ever that things do not make us happy (of course some things need to be present, but I, for my part, have had more than enough and was never really aware of it). The Vedanta philosophy says the same: it states that humans seek security and pleasure. But things and what we consider exciting moments do only give us that feeling for a short time. There will always be harsh ups and downs as long as we don’t realize that happiness and security do not lie in the chocolate cake.

I looked back on my past three and a half years with a steady income and on the years before. And I realized that it’s true: have all the things I’ve acquired, people and experiences I ran after, really given me a feeling of peace? It will never be just enough if I keep looking for it in the outside. So, I decided that I could allow myself to live with less and that there was no reason for why I should compromise on what is valuable for me right now.

Nourished, with a lot of trust in myself and in the teachings, I came home, saw a post on Instagram about Sharada’s Be Woman Project offering a 9-month apprenticeship.

And did my job by quitting my job.

With many thanks to Ariane for editing ❤

How I realized I’m worthy not to run after him

We spent 24 hours together and I fell in love. Yes, believe it or not and I find it ridiculous, too. But it happened. And when I realized that he is not interested in me, I felt pain the way I haven’t had for years! The pain was real and I cannot negate that fact, unfortunately.

First lesson: I better cry when I’m sad

My ego was hurt. And I was so sad, too. Once that I’m finally again attracted to someone that much again, he is not interested in me. History seemed to repeat itself! The thought that I might forever be alone (what else if I reject those who want me and those I want do not care about me?) wore me down. Deep down. The future looked: dark.

I knew the pain would pass, as all pain has passed until now and I’ve managed to feel happy again. And it was only 24 hours! How could this episode actually demoralize me that much?? I knew that I need to look inside me for love and security and happiness. But I couldn’t change it. And I despised myself for being so attached.

I’ve had this before, a few years back. Like now, I didn’t allow myself to be frustrated or sad. And I talked about it with hardly anybody then. I decided that I will handle it differently this time: first, I cried. I cried for that he didn’t want me. And I cried for that I didn’t want myself. I cried for the fact that I hurt myself so much with my thoughts. I cried for that I needed to go through all these tough times and learn a lesson.

Second lesson: I ask for help when I’m at a loss

In theory, I knew I was projecting so much into this man (that he would fill this emptiness inside me with love). I knew that his actions would anyways fail many times, as everybody’s actions do (in the words of my Vedanta-teacher Sharada: relationships hurt! Expecting something else is as if you’d reproach a fire furiously, “but you burnt me!”) Still, I didn’t know how to actually forget the pain and how to really understand that I’m ok (deep down it nagged on me that I was not ok! Somehow, I’m not enough for him!).

So second, I asked for help: I told my dear friends. And surprisingly for me, there was no judgment. They understood. I felt connection. Love. And I asked another, more mature person whom I trust a lot. She made me appreciate these 24 hours of pure flow. She told me, it’s like this when self-esteem is shaky: you project all the happiness into one person. It’s normal.

“And now do what is good for you. Do something for yourself. Feel yourself.” I did and relaxed, slowly. Yoga has helped, too. My precious teacher comforted me, “Try and fail. Try and fail better. Trust the process.”

Third lesson: letting go when facing shame and projection

Two months after the encounter, last weekend, I visited the bar where he’d work on weekdays. Surprise: He was working. I got shaky. My friends and I took a turn around the block to calm me down. I was ashamed of my feelings. Of having been so needy. If he’d know how much energy I’ve devoted to him… But also I knew I shouldn’t be embarrassed for who I am. I knew everything is in complete order with me. There are reasons for why I’ve been triggered by him, for falling in love so quickly and becoming needy.

I wanted to face this shame and entered the bar. We chatted and the tension passed. I realized how much projection I’ve put on him. He is not god. Or yes, he is – we all are. Whatever the reasons though he was not ready for going deeper with me, I cannot control them and I’m not responsible for them.

I feel it coming: The focus is on myself instead of others

I felt just worthy. A premiere for me in such a constellation. I still appreciated him. And didn’t downgrade myself neither. Instead, I thought, “If you’re not interested in me – leave it. I don’t really mind (just a little bit). Why should I aim at pleasing you? I’ve been discovering my own values more and more lately and I’m proud of that. I’ve experienced moments of sunshine and full, unconditional love. I’m on that path and it’s my ultimate goal to feel this softness more and more.

I feel it coming and it’s nothing about you. It’s about me. Thank you for having spent these 24 hours with me, where my heart was open, where I enjoyed my body and felt free, felt oneness. Thank you for sharing this feeling with me that I’ve never perceived before with the consciousness I had then.

Thank you for provoking pain in me. It made me grow.

The vulnerability has left me wide open. Open for new perspectives.”

With gratitude to everybody and everything. (And Ariane for editing!)

Why I decided to publish this first blog-post and process my pain with it

I wrote two blog-posts last week, set up my own website and thought I would go public with them. I didn’t. The writing came very easily, I enjoyed it. But then the well-known, ever-present critic in my head hit me. My mood towards my writing was like the sacred weather — flipping from pure sunshine to doomsday mood. From “I can be proud of this, that’s a nice writing-style, it’s honest, shows my journey truly” to:

  • this is completely embarrassing
  • nobody will be interested in this
  • my English is a disaster
  • it’s not funny, stop over-sharing, it implies you desperately need attention (which I judge as bad)
  • I haven’t learned anything so far, my childish thoughts are a shame for your age
  • and so on

In the end I felt completely useless.

I’ve dragged myself down to a point where I’d truly believe that I’m not good at anything really. Yes, I was at the point of „Never have I achieved anything, and I will never, I’m hindering myself constantly with my judging — now see I’m not even able to not judge my judging!“. I felt like a complete failure.

I told my Vedanta-(more about that in a future post!) teacher and mentor Sharada that I like writing and actually have an urge to share – and believe this was actually the jewel, the exact purpose of the journey I’ve began with Be Woman Project: That I share what is here, whatever the reactions might be. But it makes me feel so uncomfortable that I feel like I’m not ready for this.

It’s about the process. Convert the pain into something beautiful. And be patient.

Thereby do not forget what the teaching says: That the goal is to gain Self-Knowledge. We want to get known ourselves as the source of love, happiness and security. We do not want to attach ourselves to external circumstances as reasons for our pain or happiness anymore.

Sharada answered me with many wise words, like: It’s ok if you’re not ready. The Vedanta teachings is all about eventually accepting yourself. Even your borders. Even your judging. The blog was a suggestion, a tool to explore yourself. It may help you to process your pain…. A tool to share it and convert it into something beautiful. You can also draw, take pictures, do a video, sing or dance… You use your body, mind and senses. Your creativity.

There will be many who won‘t like it. But many also who do not dare to follow their hearts, are afraid to express themselves… They will seek inspiration — not only from those who have healed their wounds already, but also from those who have started to process to do so.

It’s about the process. The process in order to come to yourself. To come home. This needs time. Be patient when learning something new. Treat yourself like a mother, who encourages her baby to get back up again and again after a fall.

Talk about it, a lot.

I then remembered one thing I learned on a Training with Be Woman Project two weeks ago (especially through the sharing in Women’s circles):

The pain doesn’t go just because we ignore it. We should give it space, talk about it, a lot. Untilit feels so normal as if we would talk about a piece of chocolate. Then it’s not fearful anymore, then it can notcause us pain anymore.

And I remembered what I heard in a Netflix-documentary recently 😀 :

„You have to talk about the shit you don’t wanna talk about. …We‘re only as sick as the secrets that we keep.“

So here I publish just what comes from my heart. It’s scary. Until it’s not anymore.

I’ll try to fall in love with the process.

With many thanks to Katie for editing. She writes her own blog .

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